Pray for Fallen Angels

A comedy in one act

by Don Grigware

Characters:

Eddie McFee is a 31 year-old actor/teacher who has somehow managed to get through life so far on his looks and charm. He is unemployed at the moment. His money? He has a small nest egg, but relies on the kindness of strangers to make connections. Nice guy but somewhat neurotic, sheltered and oh soooo sensitive.

Mr. William Hickey is a 50+ ish show biz teacher/director/actor who lives his life for the theatre. He loves people, but is intensely private and does take to the bottle a bit too often. Not unlike a preacher or evangelist, he loves to take center stage whenever opportunity knocks. You would not expect him to ring your doorbell on Christmas Eve. Exceedingly accident prone!!

Roselie Berke is a 28 year-old actress who is sincere in her approach to her work, her life and her relationships with others. She cannot tell a lie. Well…maybe a few white ones. Her honesty and total openness make her very likeable. She’s a hoot! She’s bigger than life, yet with a heart of gold! So, what’s her biggest problem? She looks too much like Liza Minnelli and talks with the comic flair of Bette Midler. She’s compared to them constantly – it’s become a stigma and she just can’t get hired. Loud and tres, tres flamboyant!

Caroline Grossman is a senior citizen who manages the apartment building with an iron fist. She is annoying, irritatingly nosy, obviously frustrated and a thoroughly obsessive mother underneath, who also shows an off.the.wall sense of humor.

The play takes place from the early evening of December 23 through December 24, 1977 in and around Eddie’s Chelsea apartment on W.15th street in New York City.

  

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As the curtain rises, we hear the thunderous shouting of a man and the screeching of a woman in pursuit of him. At first their voices are heard coming up the stairs; when Eddie reaches the third floor and Apt. 3B, he proceeds to his door limping and Roselie is close behind, trying desperately to help him. The entire action takes place in front of the apartment door. It is about 6pm on Monday evening, December 23.

Eddie: For the last time, leave me alone.

Roselie: But Mr. McFee, I am so terribly sorry. I want to help.

Eddie: Haven’t you done enough already?

Roselie: But your ankle, it may be broken. You should go to the hospital and have it x-rayed.

Eddie: (in pain) I don’t think I could walk, if it were broken. I’m sure it’s just a sprain.

Roselie: Oh my God! A sprain can be worse! You should elevate your leg! It’s all my fault!

Eddie: (very intolerant) Yes, it is. How could you not have seen me coming through the front door? I was right in front of you.

Roselie: Because I had all these packages. I was looking down to make sure I didn’t stumble over anything.

Eddie: But you did! Over me!

Roselie: You stopped so abruptly, I couldn’t help but bump into you!

Eddie: A cab…a mac truck would have put on the brakes in time, but, oh no, not you!

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Roselie: I’m so sorry! I think I could make your ankle feel better. You need to go in and put it up right away. Please let me help!

Eddie: Go away! You have done enough damage for one day. I can take care of myself! (ouuuuu…)

(Suddenly the door of Apt. 3A opens and out comes Mrs. Grossman about to burst with anger.)

Mrs. Grossman: What the hell is going on here! Is the building on fire? Why all this noise?

Eddie: Sorry, Mrs. Grossman, I had an accident. I sprained my ankle.

Mrs. Grossman: Well, take it inside. Elevate it and pack it in ice. It’s your pain, not the entire building’s. (She turns to go in, then, as if forgetting something, turns back) And fix yourself a good stiff one. It helps, believe me. Oyyyy!   

(She goes in, slamming her door.)

Roselie: Merry Christmas to you too! She’s so unpleasant. Please let me help you!

Eddie: No!

Roselie: My aunt was a nurse. She taught me a lot about pain.

Eddie: Really? (He tries to laugh, but is in too much agony.) If this were a play, the audience would be rolling in the aisles after my next line. But, you know, I’m such a nice guy, I’ll cut it and refrain from insulting you.

Roselie: I’m so miserable.

Eddie: Well you’re doing a great job of spreading it around. Misery, I mean. (waves a hand at her in a Samantha sort of way) Poof! Poof! Begone!

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(Mrs. Grossman opens her door again and stands with her arms folded, glaring at Roselie and Eddie, without saying a word.) (He raises his arms in helplessness, opens his door, goes in, slams it behind him, limps to a chair and sits down, all the while in agony. He lifts his left leg with much effort onto another chair. Roselie stands at door outside in tears. Mrs. Grossman

pulls a tissue out of her pocket and hands it to Roselie. She looks heavenward as if asking for help, before going back inside her apartment.)

Roselie: (whispering) I’m sorry. I am so sorry! I’ll make it up to you somehow. Merry Christmas! (She picks up her bags and slowly leaves.)

Eddie: Merry Christmas?!  I never want to see that crazy woman again, as long as I live! (He puts his head back as if to take a nap.)

(Mrs. Grossman comes out of her apartment once again, looks around and tip toes over to 3B, pulls a glass out of her pocket, puts one end to her ear and the other against the door and tries to listen. After a few seconds of hearing nothing, she looks bored and disappointed, makes an obscene gesture at the apartment door, gives up and goes back to her apartment.)

(lights fade)

 As the curtain rises on Scene Two, it is 6 am Tuesday morning. The furniture in the apartment is sparse, but there is a small Christmas tree on a table against the wall. It is not decorated and unopened boxes and bags are on the floor surrounding it. There is a wreath on the front door.

Offstage: Eddie is in bed, sleeping when the radio alarm goes off. It triggers radio station WNYC to kick in. An overly enthusiastic, more to the point, obnoxious announcer, Georgio Kessler is greeting his public.

Radio Announcer: Good morning New York. This is your ever loving host with the most… Georgio Kessler wishing you the very merriest holiday

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season from WNYC. It’s precisely 6am Christmas Eve, and to all you New Yorkers that are about to rush around shopping like chickens with your

heads cut off, well, all I can say is: you asked for it! Last minute shopping for presents can be a nachtmare!!!!!!! Like for sweet little ole grandma who

really wants more than that Whitman Sampler & bottle of Emeraude  – c’mon, I mean, give

me a break, she’s your grandma, for pity sake, empty your pockets! (chuc- kles)…Where’s your imagination… and love? Then there’s that irritating boss, Mr. Commando – I mean, does he really deserve that Old Spice? Even if it is leftover from last year’s haul. Isn’t a stocking stuffer too darn good for him? Give him a Hallmark card-unsigned, and be done with it! An eye for an eye: treat him as he’s treated you this past year. Spend as little as possible on that loser! Or what about that friend of a friend that is simply impossible to shop for? He has everything, so what do you get him? What about a gift certificate for a workout session at a Jack LaLanne? Huh, what do you think?? Whatever shape he’s in, it’ll make him a hunk to the ladies out there who still need a date for New Year’s Eve. Look what those workouts have done for LaLanne! Do you believe he’s in his 70s already? As Ralph Cramden’s old pal Ed Norton would say, va va va boom!  That friend won’t get his lazy butt off that sofa, you say? Then tell him he’s a couch potato and needs to kick ass! And give that Sampler to the mail man or that lonely spinster neighbor. Spread that Christmas cheer around where it’ll do the most good! Well, rots a ruck anyway, shoppers! I hate to be the one to admonish you, but, hey, make your list in August next year.  You shouldn’t have waited until the 24th of December. That’s a big no, no, no! And ho, ho, ho to you too! (bigger chuckle) Just in from our exclusive weather guy Jimbo Hilliard: Expect 6 inches of snow by Christmas morning. Flurries will start falling before noon today, so if you’re going out later, be prepared for stormy weather and (starts singing “White Christmas”) “I’m

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dreaming of a …” Who said that Christmas is the loneliest time of the year?

(Eddie enters disheveled, half asleep, half awake and turns off radio. He is limping, but not as bad as the night before.)

Eddie: Enough bullshit, Georgio. Leave the etiquette tips to Dear Abby and take a master class in funny! That macho image crap just ain’t cuttin’ it! (pause) You know I think my foot is a lot better, minor sprain at worst!

(goes to kitchen to make coffee, and then to living room area to turn on the stereo. Picks out “Jingle Bell Rock”, starts to play it. It’s much too loud and Mrs. Grossman comes out of her apartment, in her bathrobe and slippers, furious and slams on Eddie’s front door.)

Mrs. Grossman: It’s 6 am. Turn off that infernal wannabe Christmas music. (Eddie turns it down and yells “Sorry!”) (She turns to audience before reentering her place.) Whatever happened to “Silent Night”?

(Pause. Roselie enters and rings Eddie’s doorbell)

Eddie: Who in hell? At this hour? UPS? …Nahhh! Too damn early! But, you never know, it is Christmas Eve. Maybe a special delivery. From whom??(looks through peep hole in door) What …?  Oh, no! Doesn’t she know when to quit? Go away!

Roselie: (carrying a potted poinsettia plant) Mr. McFee? Mr. McFee, I’m sorry to bother you so early, but I have a letter for you. It was left in my box yesterday by mistake. I know it’s early, but I have to leave for work and I want you to get it. I would have knocked last night but after what happened…How’s your ankle? I know I’ve said it before, but I’m so sorry! And then I went out for dinner and didn’t get home until after midnight. Boy, am I exhausted this morning! I’ll be lucky if I can stay awake at work, but…that’s right… there’s a party this morning. FAB! I forgot. (looks at

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envelope) I thought it might be important… your letter, I mean. It looks like a Christmas card or invitation or...

Eddie: (has leaned against the door, already befuddled by this girl’s aggressive approach) Slip it under the door!

Roselie: Oh, good, you’re there! I have to hand it to you. I feel funny about leaving things unattended.

Eddie: (very impatient) But I’m here. How will it be unattended?!

Roselie: You know what I mean.

Eddie: Look, enough! I’m not starting off my Christmas Eve like this. Leave me be! I accept your apology! Merry Christmas! Just leave me alone! (he waits a while, and when he doesn’t hear anything, thinking she has gone, he slowly opens the door. She bursts in and hands him the plant.)

Roselie: Oh, bad mistake. To open your door to a stranger, I mean. Are you sure you can trust me? “Surprise! Merry Christmas”, said the big bad wolf to little red riding hood. (laughs)  You’re an actor, aren’t you? You know how I know? We both take classes at HB. I’ve seen you in the hall there. Oh…and at the Cookie Bar.

Eddie: OK. Look, this is embarrassing. I’m not dressed…and

Roselie: Don’t worry. I’m used to seeing people in the buff. I’m an actress, remember? (She turns to look at him.) You’re wearing a bathrobe!!! That’s hardly undressed! Look, I’m so sorry about our collision last night. Is your ankle any better?

Eddie: (impatiently through clenched teeth) It’s better. I soaked it and then went right to bed. Look, please just leave. Merry Christmas and thanks for the memory! (He holds up the plant and then puts it down on the table.)

Roselie: Oh, you’re welcome. It’s the very least I could do.

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Eddie: Accidents happen. You’re clumsy. I’m clumsy. You bumped into me. I fell over. My ankle hurts, but I’ll live. Case closed. You didn’t have to bring me a plant.

Roselie: (laughs a snorty sort of irritating laugh and stretches out her hand to give him the letter.) Here, I almost forgot.  What a pretty robe. (touches the fabric) What a nice fabric! Where did you get it? Barney’s?  . .. Was it intheir bargain basement on sale? I just love their sales. I bought my roommate’s sugar daddy’s Christmas present there. It’s this big ole solid gold bracelet-looking thing that he puts down here…(she motions to his privates) Ouch!!! That’s got to be painful, but she insists on him using it. Talks on and on about how it will enhance their sex life.

(He closes his eyes in embarrassment, pretending not to understand a word.) Well, I have to get to work. I’m a receptionist at ABC Sports. “Good morning, ABC Sports. May I connect you? This is ABC Sports.” (pause. She laughs at her own antics.) …  I’m Roselie Berke.  (without giving him a chance to respond.  Eddie is still nonplused.)

Eddie: Eddie… McFee, Rosalie. But you knew my name was McFee.

Roselie: (puts out her hand) Nice to meet you. It’s Rose lie. Just Rose lie, not Rosa…lie, Rose lie, like the flower.

Eddie: Roselie. (extends hand, but she’s already off and looking around))

Roselie: What a nice apartment. It’s so… I mean the décor, the furnishings, I mean, you don’t have much, but what there is, is choice. Spencer Tracy said that about Katharine Hepburn in a movie.

Eddie: Woman of the Year.

Roselie: I beg your pardon. Pat and Mike.

Eddie: You’re right! (hates to admit he’s wrong)

Roselie: I know my Hepburn and… sports films. ABC Sports! (thumbs up)

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Eddie: Right on, ABC!  (reluctant thumbs up)

Roselie: It’s a nice empty apartment…with so many possibilities. (walks around freely, picking up little things) Oh, and what a pretty tree! But it’s bare.

Eddie: I don’t decorate until tonight. It’s an old family tradition. We’ve always decorated the tree on Christmas Eve. I still need a star for the top.

Roselie: (watching him like a hawk) May I have a cup of coffee? I’m still a little hung from last night. (starts to warm up)  You sit. I’ll find it. Are you sure your foot is all right? You’re still limping a bit! (she doesn’t give him time to respond but keeps on talking) What a drip that Olivier was!

Eddie: Olivier?

Roselie: Olivier Lorenzzzz. How’s that for phony baloney? I should have seen it coming and never accepted a dinner invite from that cheapskate!

Eddie: There’s sugar and milk on the tray, if you take them.

Roselie: Oh, I like 2 lumps. Sugar, that is! (laughs) No milk. (eyes tree again. It becomes a fascination for her.) My family has never had a Christmas tree. My dad was Jewish and my mom, well…a nonbeliever. I always loved to go over to my friend Val’s house at Christmastime. Well, all the time, actually. They had the most beautiful tree you could ever imagine. I mean, it was so big. It stretched way up to the ceiling. How they got all those ornaments and lights on it, I’ll never know, but they did. Rows and rows of balls and popcorn garland and twinkle lights.  Ahhh…it was always so beautiful. Yours is tiny, but I guess, once you get…the balls on it and the lights, it’ll be nice. (She closes her eyes and tries to envision what it’ll look like decorated and shakes her head in disappointment when she opens them and looks at it.)

Eddie: My mom was a devout catholic and loved Christmas, but we lived in an apartment like this, so our tree was always artificial and small… but it always looked …well, my mom was fussy and insisted on decorating it

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herself. She liked tiny ornaments…she kept things for years and years and used them over and over again every year. Everything was handmade and delicate. It had to have all white lights. Only the best for Delia. She had great taste.

Roselie: Delia…mmm…pretty! Had great taste? Isn’t your mom still alive?

Eddie: She died last year. October 22. Two months before Christmas.

Roselie: Oh, I’m so sorry. You still miss her. I can tell!

Eddie: Yes, I do, especially now. This was her favorite time of the year. (He gets melancholy as he remembers. ) We never had much money when I

was growing up, but I never went without. My parents always somehow managed to get me what I wanted for Christmas and all year round. I was a lucky kid. I’m from Massachusetts, by the way, Hampton, Mass.

Roselie: San Francisco… My mom hates decorations. Always has. She hates to be around the house at Christmas. She likes to go to Vegas and gamble. Goes every year with a girlfriend or by herself, if she has to - for 2 whole weeks. Smorgasbords and gambling. Bingo and more buffets! What a bore! I’d go nuts. Imagine, 2 whole weeks of Vegas and casinos. Just the sound of those slot machines is enough to turn me off.

Eddie: What about your dad?

Roselie: Dead.  (nonchalant)  As a doornail.

Eddie: I’m sorry.

Roselie: Don’t be. He had a great life. Owned his own business for 35 years. Loved my mom…and me, but knew when he had had enough.

Eddie: You mean…he killed…

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Roselie: Committed suicide. On his fiftieth birthday. Went off on a business trip and never came back. It took weeks to find his body. He was in the county morgue.

Eddie: That’s awful! How did he do it? Oh, that’s personal. I’m sorry for asking.

Roselie: That’s OK. We never found out, at least they never told me. My aunt - his sister - didn’t want an autopsy. He was Jewish and his family put

up such a fuss that his body hadn’t been disposed of immediately after death that they took over and…that was that. I never even had a chance to say goodbye to him. My mom was...well, if she was sad, she had a funny way of showing it. She and my dad no longer slep... (catches herself in embarrassment)…well… (some remorse here)

Eddie: How difficult it must have been for you! (long pause) Why are we being so morbid on Christmas Eve?

Roselie: (sips, slurping)  I’m a survivor above all else! (changes subject) This coffee is too FAB! How do you make it? I can never get my coffee to taste like this.

Eddie: My mom’s secret recipe.

Roselie: Boy your mom sure holds a big part of your life! Even from the grave.

Eddie: (gets defensive) What do you mean? You don’t even know me. How can you insinuate such a thing! I think you’d better drink your coffee and leave.

Roselie: I’m so sorry. Me and my big mouth. I didn’t mean any harm. I just can’t believe how much you loved your mom. My mom and I hardly speak. She’s only interested in herself.

Eddie: Really? I find that hard to accept. All moms love their kids.

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Roselie: Not mine. She loves Winifred and blackjack.

Eddie: Is Winifred your sister?

Roselie: Oh no, her cat. She’s had her forever. She’s got to be in her ninth life by now!  (pauses, then speaks) I have a great idea. I get off of work at 12 noon today ‘cause it’s Christmas Eve. I know the best ... Will you be here about 1 o’clock?

Eddie: Where else will I be? Right here nursing my wrenched foot and listening to Bing Crosby.

Roselie: Let me make it up to you. I mean well, I just open my big mouth too far sometimes.

Eddie: Don’t worry about it! I just don’t think…

Roselie: Please! Oh, please, please, pretty please!

Eddie: Well…what is it exactly that you have in mind? I have a party to prepare for tonight.

Roselie: I have something I think you’ll love for the top of that tree. I want to give it to you. Oh, my God, I’m being much too forward. You must think…I mean I come in here at 6 in the morning and I’m already inviting myself for Christmas Eve and…

Eddie: You don’t have to give me anything really, and no one has invited you here for Christmas Eve. …but …my mother who has had an overwhelming influence on my life – as you’ve been so keen to notice – always taught me to be kind to strangers. So… come by for an eggnog around 2 or 3.

Roselie: Thanks so much. (gets her coat and goes to the door) I’ll bring some snacks.

Eddie: No need to bring anything; there’s plenty! (They stare at each other, Eddie opens the door, as Rosalie leaves. Once the door is closed, Eddie

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leans in a state of confusion against it and then goes to stereo, turns it up full volume and gyrates and sings at the top of his lungs. He is suddenly happy and temporarily forgotten about his injury.) Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

(Mrs. Grossman rushes from her apartment and slams on Eddie’s door.)Mrs. Grossman: Stop jingling already! It’s too damn early! (She whines in Yiddish as she goes back to her apartment. Eddie turns down the stereo and mimes the words.)

(lights fade)

As lights come up on Scene Three,  it’s 3:30pm. Rosalie knocks on door with shopping bag full of stuff.

Roselie: Mr. McFee, I mean Eddie. It’s me, Roselie. Roselie Berke. I’m here. I’m back! (to herself) I hope he didn’t forget. Oh well, so big friggin’ surprise, if he did! (She drops all her bags.) (addresses audience) When was the last time a man did something – just for me? I don’t know what I expect sometimes. I expect too much, that’s what. I don’t even know this guy. I mean, he seems nice, certainly attractive, appears like he might have some talent… worth looking into. I don’t seem to be able to stop myself. It’s an addiction, like Tootsie Rolls and Entenmann’s, Ray’s Pizza, chips and those extra-strength Tylenol every night to help me go to sleep. Sometimes I think I’m a hopeless case. I guess I need therapy, but, I mean, who can afford it? It’s hard enough being an actress in this town and paying your rent every month. I’m getting too old to model, and the way casting directors treat actresses – is pathetic. I mean, those guys should be lined up in front of a firing squad. If I go into one more audition and hear, “Please take off your clothes, and don’t forget to remove your bra!” I’ll puke. And these are for legit roles. But show biz is in my blood. I remember the first time I gave that look (does her best comic siren pose), they were hooked and so was I. I want to be a serious actress, and I have to pay the price, whatever the consequences. “Don’t leave a stone unturned!” Grandma Berkowski always said. I changed Berkowski to Berke. Berkowski’s too

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long for the marquee! “Yeah, but you don’t know how different things are today, grandma. Men were more thoughtful, more gentlemanly, moredependable in your day. They didn’t take advantage of women so much. At least I don’t think they did. Today, the most interesting men…the best looking ones anyway…usually turn out to be…”

(Eddie rushes in behind her. She eyes him.)

Mr. McFee, you went out. But your foot!? (looks down at it) You’re walking much better. I mean, your limp, it’s hardly noticeable.

Eddie: Sorry, but this sounds like a drag queen’s take on The Glass Menagerie. I’m Laura and you’re the Gentleman Caller. “Yes, I’m clumping less; my foot is feeling much better.” I needed some last minute things, so

out I limped. You know, I bet New York is the only place where you can hop around with an injury and absolutely nobody cares. No one will bother you. There’s some consolation in that, especially if you vant to be alone (does his best Greta Garbo). I mean it took me 5 minutes to get into the cab; the cabbie was happy ‘cause the extra minutes meant more change in his pocket! But did he give a damn about me? Nahhhh!!!! And three people let the door hit me on my way into Macy’s. No one looks. Oops, you’re a perpetrator; you already know about that. (She is about to break into another chorus of I’m sorry, when he stops her.) Oh, it was an accident; enough whining! It still hurts, but it’s Christmas and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.  (They look at each other a bit more trustingly.)

You’re certainly punctual. Macy’s was the most crowded I’ve ever seen it… (fumbles for key and finally opens the door) Boy, it looks like you did as much shopping as I did? Here long?

Roselie: No, just got here a couple of minutes before you. I hope there’s not a treetop decoration in that bag of yours, cause I’ve got one I think you’re gonna love…

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Eddie: Nope. No star. I remembered you’re at the head of the star department. (both laugh) But please tell me all that stuff is not for me. I

have plenty of decorations and food. I’ll get the eggnog. I’m expecting company around 5, so…

Roselie: Doll, I’m a fast decorator. I’ll be out a here before you can say Saint Nick. And I’ll be sure to use all of Delia’s balls and… (rummages through his bags and then back to her own)). Oh, and I’ve got (she pulls stuff out of bags) cheese nips, pretzels – plain and with peanut butter – and salt free chips. I’m on a diet! Do you have any wine? I hate eggnog, and besides, it’s too damn caloric. Right to the thighs! It makes ‘em thunder thighs!!!! Yuck!!!!  (slaps them)

Eddie: I’ve got wine. And you should really keep your snacks. I’ve got plenty to munch on here…I don’t mean to be rude, but it’ll take me time to

prepare the dinner for tonight, so, if it seems like I’m working and not paying attention, I am …it’s just…I’m on kind of a schedule, if you don’t mind.

Roselie: What are you having?

Eddie: I’m cooking a turkey – a 25 pounder for about 6.  5 guests and myself, of course.

Roselie: Wow, a turkey! A real Christmas Eve dinner!  Are you a good cook?

Eddie: Nobody’s complained so far.  I haven’t lost anyone yet. (laughs)

Roselie: I love Balducci’s. Do you shop there?

Eddie: Sometimes, if I’m in that neighborhood. It’s nice, but expensive for an out-of-work actor.

Roselie: Ain’t that the truth. But what isn’t these days? (All the while they are talking, Roselie is unpacking her bags and his bags and boxes and

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decorating the tree. Eddie is preparing the drinks and snacks in the kitchen, and his ‘dinner for 6’.) You know what I love at this time of the year?

Caramel corn. And all year round, for that matter. I didn’t buy any…my diet doesn’t allow it!

Eddie: You don’t look as if you need to worry about that. I mean you have a very slim and appealing figure. As a matter of fact, I have some caramel corn …for later.

Roselie: You do? May I have a little now. Oh. please, pretty please! (Eddie opens package of caramel corn and offers her some.) Oh, this is yummy!!!!!!!!! Fabay! Absolutely delish!

Eddie: May I ask you something? Where did you pick up that lingo?

Roselie: What lingo?

Eddie: Fabay! Delish!

Roselie: Puleeze! The Divine Miss M, doll! Haven’t you ever listened to Bette Midler’s show?

Eddie: No, sorry.

Roselie: I’ll lend you the album sometime, simply divine, that Div girl!

Eddie: (laughs) The lingo…it’s (for lack of a better word) cute! You certainly are a breath of fresh air!

Roselie: I never wanted to be like everyone else - run-of-the-mill, not for me! So I’m glad I stand out! Most of my acting partners think I’m overpowering, can you imagine? They think I’m too much!

Eddie: (with a Jack Benny pose) Imagine that!

Roselie: (laughs uproariously, ending with a loud snort) That was good! Jack Paar, right?

Eddie: Benny.

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Roselie: I had a boyfriend once named Jack Penny. It was so hard to introduce him to anyone. They’d take a look at him and ask, “Are you the son?” “Whose son?” he’d say. “Didn’t you say your name was Jack Benny?” they’d ask. It was an embarrassment. Anyways, I love impressions. Do you have another?

Eddie: Some tell me I do a mean Ed Sullivan. (into character) Tonight, right here on our stage, just for you folks…we have a really big shoo…Christmas shoo …!

Roselie: Not bad!!! Charles Pierce taught me a lot in San Fran.

Eddie: Who’s Charles Pierce?

Roselie: Who’s Charles Pierce!? Only the best impressionist of… female stars… on the planet. You’ve never seen him?

Eddie: No. Drag artist?

Roselie: We hate that term. We also hate ‘female impersonator’. ‘Impressionist’ is good. He’s a comedian in a dress. And, boy oh boy, is he a fuckin’ scream! He does the gay circuit in New York, San Fran, LA, Fort Lauderdale.  Anyway, I was in his act in San Francisco. To make a long story short, he’d do his solo thing and then, at some point, he’d introduce me as Miss Kitty Litter …pronounced Kitty Litte (in a French accent) and I’d come out in a cigarette girl costume and be his straight man for 4 or 5 minutes. You know, like Eve Arden or Thelma Ritter with a slew of smart ass remarks.  It was great fun! All the queens loved me! Royalty, doll, like you wouldn’t believe, came to see Charles. I met a lot of people and I learned a lot about how to be funny…you know, comic timing and all. But, I really hated those clubs. Full of smoke and the guys would yell and scream, and the straight ones would heckle you and even paw at you when they had the chance. I knew though that I’d leave there eventually and become a serious actress some day. You know (stops what she is doing)… I think we would work really well together. You study with Bill Hickey at HB, don’t you?

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Eddie: I did, but I switched this semester to Austin Pendleton… for a change of pace, and I’m auditing Sandy Dennis’ class. Not that I no longer like Bill, I do. I just like to explore other teachers’ techniques.

Roselie: Sandy Dennis! She’s frightening! What is it with her and all that stuttering? She won an Academy Award! We should all be so lucky! If you put her and Shelley Winters in a play as mother and daughter, they would add a half hour to the performance, just with all those friggin’ pauses and uh,uh,uhs.

Eddie: Sandy is a distinct personality, that’s for sure, but she doesn’t talk like that when she’s teaching or when you speak with her in conversation. It seems to come off that way on film. It’s a quaint mannerism she’s acquired. But who can beat her performances in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? or Up the Down Staircase or The Fox? She studied with the big man himself, HB, Herbert Berghoff and told the class last week that once in an improv

that Berghoff had set up- on a subway- she didn’t utter a single word when the train came to a sudden unexpected screeching halt between stations, simply because her character would not have reacted verbally. And because of that, the improv lasted more than an hour. Now that’s an actress, in my book! She stuck by her character consistently, right to the end.

Roselie: To the discomfort of everybody else? What if one of them had to go to the bathroom? What if she had to go?

Eddie: (contains laughter) She would hold it. An actor does with his character what he has to do, no matter what.  Who are you taking class with?

Roselie: (in deep throaty voice) Bill Hickey, of course. He said I remind him of his niece. I’m a wild horse. Can you imagine? Who would tell someone publically that they act like a wild horse? Shouldn’t I take that as an insult?

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Eddie: No!!!!!!!!!!! Hickey must like you. He really gets into his students. He cares so much. He told me once I was a director’s dream. He’s very protective of you. When I mentioned that I wanted to audition for the Actor’s Studio, he looked at me and after a long pause, shook his head no!!! ...and said… “Ahhh, God in Heaven, beware: The Vatican of Acting. (puts his hands together like a holy man in prayer) You’ll never be the same again. Think twice about that!  The Method – ugh!” He made it sound like something out of The Stepford Wives. Go there and they’ve got you cloned!

Roselie: That sounds like Bill! He loves his students and wants only the best for them. I guess I think of him as like a second father.  He’s so critical of me though. Charles (Pierce) taught me to do a Bette Davis impression and I think I’m pretty damn good, too. I’ll have to show it you sometime.

Eddie: What about now? I mean, we have time. The turkey’s in the oven, and I have time.

Roselie: OK, but only if I’m not taking you away from anything important.

Eddie: No, really. Go ahead! I’d love to see it.

Roselie: Well. I’ve done this at the Café Carlyle - once or twice - on talent nights. No gigs yet. Nothing big, anyway. I do my own version of a scene from All About Eve, when she as Margo Channing first meets Eve Harrington in her dressing room backstage. (She pulls a wig from her bag and gets ready.)

MC: Who did you say was out there? Oh, that mousy one who’s there every night and every matinee? She doesn’t have a life! I mean, I know I’m good, but really! What the hell, send her in!

EH: Oh, Miss Channing. You don’t know what an honor it is to finally meet you. I’ve seen every play you’ve ever done.

MC: That’s impossible! You’re too young to remember.

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EH: Well, I mean in the last few years. I’ve seen at least four. You were so brilliant last season in The Corn Is Green. And I just love you as the damsel in this play.

MC: How many times have you seen it, dearie?

EH: At least 50.

MC: Fifty?

EH: Yes, I’ve seen it in every place you’ve toured on the East Coast.

MC: You mean, you’re stalking me?

EH: Oh no, I just love to watch you act. You are the greatest actress ever to grace a stage.

MC: I know that, but you follow me from place to place…that’s…that’s ABNORMAL. The Heave Ho! Get her out! NOW!

Curtain. The End. (Eddie laughs uproariously. She pulls towel out of her duffel bag and wipes the sweat from her face.)

Roselie: Oh God, Bill would tell me, “Take off the wig and the costume”. (She takes off wig and puts her blouse back on.) ‘Cause that’s how the Bette scene has to be done; otherwise I wouldn’t look anything like her… but he tells me repeatedly in class, when I use wigs and character makeup and stuff, that I don’t need any of it. Don’t you think that’s weird? A costume, a wig and makeup are necessary to make a character come to life.

Eddie: Yes, but in class, he’s trying to tell you to be yourself. Strip everything away and if you can do that honestly, you will really know what makes your character tick. Even though he makes fun of The Method, it’s the same in the end. It’s almost like therapy…on a grander scale, to be

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sure. You have to dig down really deep into your soul to find whatever causes your character’s motivations and reactions. Maybe the Bette is too

big. I mean you really do her well, but , for class, maybe you should choose someone lesser known and bring more of yourself to it.

Rosalie: You know, the first time I saw you, you reminded me of Jack Lemmon. You have a very appealing… everyman quality about you.

Eddie: Why, thank you, ma’am! I’ve always admired Lemmon. I’m touched. Love his style. Some Like It Hot ,The Apartment, Mister Roberts. He’s so …real.  If my acting gets even close to his, I’ll be thrilled. Thank you for telling me that.

Roselie: (all the while, she’s been finishing up the tree) You’re welcome. My brother is a lot like you. He’s older, though and has 2 kids.

Eddie: Oh, that’s hardly like me.

Roselie: What do you mean?

Eddie: Well, it’s very unlikely that I’ll marry and have children.

Roselie: What a shame! Why not?

Eddie: Tell me more about your brother.

Roselie: Well, he’s an ad executive. Always on the move and very smart. He married young, but is completely faithful to his wife. He loves his kids. I think he’d lay down and die for them, if he had to. That’s loyalty. You strike me as a very loyal guy too.

Eddie: Boy you are loaded with compliments. Thank you. Is he artistic, your brother?

Roselie: Nah, but he supports the arts. Goes to the opera and ballet, and totally lends me support. I mean, if I need money, he’s the first to lend it to me. Certainly thinks more of my lifestyle than my mother. And he really helped me out a lot after Thad screwed me over. I call him Thad the Cad.

Eddie: I’m almost afraid to ask, but who is Thad?

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Roselie: A boyfriend I had in San Fran. He asked me to marry him. Even gave me a ring. Then a week before the wedding, he left town with half of my money.

Eddie: How did he get your money?

Roselie: Oh, I was stupid, and fell for one of his schemes. He told me he had a deal that would make us rich. That he had to invest $5000 in this business proposition. I believed him, gave him the money, and off he went.

I never saw him again. I mean, if you had a ring from a guy, wouldn’t you have lent him the money?

Eddie: It depends on whether I thought you could trust him or not. How long were you engaged?

Roselie: 6 months.

Eddie: Well, that’s not a long time, but I guess you could get to know someone pretty well in 6 months. What a louse!

Roselie: That’s what my brother said too. He lent me the money to move here last year. My mom said it was all my fault, and I deserved what I got. (starts to get a little emotional, but pulls herself right out of it) What about your dates? Any clunkers?

Eddie: Oh, yeah.

Roselie: I bet they were pretty, though. You look like you’ve always gotten the good looking ones.

Eddie: Not really. But I find your stories more interesting. Mine are boring. I’m just a plain Ohio boy.

Roselie: You’ve mentioned a lot about your mom. What about your dad?

Eddie: Deceased. He was hard-working during his life. Good support for my mom. She was devastated when he died.

Roselie: How did he die?

Eddie: Burned in an explosion. It was awful. I’d rather not talk about it. It was 5 years ago, but the memories still haunt me.

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Roselie: That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. Do you have brothers or sisters?

Eddie: No. I’m an only child. I carried all the responsibility after my dad died. But that’s OK. I loved my mom and would have done anything for her. Let’s change the subject.

Roselie: What did you do before you came to New York?

Eddie: I taught high school. 

Roselie: That makes a lot of sense.

Eddie: What do you mean?

Roselie: You’re straight laced, dependable, caring. You were probably a great teacher. Do you like kids?

Eddie: Not really. I always thought of them as my audience. Best standup routine or acting job in the world… teaching school. Apart from the real thing, that is. If you can hold their attention, you can get anyone to pay attention to you.

Roselie: But you wouldn’t want kids of your own?

Eddie: (flat out) No! May we please change the subject?

 Roselie: But you have all the qualities that make for a good father! The best kind of father! A super dad!

Eddie: Look, I’m getting impatient. I do not now or never will want to have little monsters of my own! End of story! Change the subject or (does an Elizabeth Montgomery from Bewitched kind of poof! gesture) - begone!(he realizes that he’s far too serious, then pauses and looks at Roselie and smiles a kind of “I’m sorry” smile)  Look, I’m sorry, but let’s please drop all of this!

Roselie: Why? What are you hiding????

Eddie: (about to explode) That’s it!!!! I’m not getting through to you.

Roselie: OK. OK, don’t have a stroke! I’m sorry I upset you ... OK, let’s talk about something else. Let’s get back to our stage careers … I think we should work together.

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Eddie: I really have more doubts at this point. I don’t think we’d be compatible.

Roselie: What do you mean? We’d be great partners. Scene partners, that is. (coughs) I need some water. (coughs more like she is about to get into a coughing fit) (barely audible)  What do you think of the tree so far?

Eddie: (trying to be patient) I’ll get you the water.

Roselie: No, that’s OK. I know my way around. (goes to kitchen) The layout of my apartment is exactly the same as this. I’m directly underneath you, you know. Where are your drinking glasses?

Eddie: Top left cabinet. (she drinks and starts to calm down) Are you OK?

Roselie: I’ll be fine. What do you think of the tree so far?

Eddie: (After a long pause)  I think you have done a better job decorating this tree than I ever could and I love the angel on top. It’s prettier and more eye-catching than a star. … I hope I’m not too noisy.

Roselie: I beg your pardon?

Eddie: You’re right below me. I hope I don’t make too much noise. I do have a tendency to turn up the stereo sometimes. It annoys the hell out of Grossman.

Roselie: I know you do. It doesn’t bother me. You love “Rose’s Turn” from Gypsy, don’t you?

Eddie: You’ve heard me play that? Oh, Lord, then it is too loud. The last thing I want to do is disturb anyone.

Roselie: And you sing along to it!

Eddie: Good God, you hear that too?

Roselie: Yes, I do, and you’re pretty good for a man singing a woman’s song. Ever considered being an impersonator? I’ll introduce you to Charles Pierce. He’ll teach you a thing or two.

Eddie: I’m sure he would.

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Roselie: I’ve enjoyed listening to you, though. Through the floor, I mean.

Eddie: Oh, that’s good. You’ve never complained about me to the landlord, so that’s promising. (They sit and look at tree. Finally, Roselie speaks.)

Roselie: (suddenly laughs to herself) You also talk to yourself.

Eddie: I do?

Roselie: I heard you through the door this morning. Cursing out that idiot Kessler on the radio. I hate him too! What an asshole! He thinks he’s God’s gift to women.

Eddie: My God, do you have X-Ray hearing? The last thing I want to have anyone know is that I talk to myself.

Roselie: It’s no big deal. I do it all the time, especially when I’m lonely.

Eddie: (pausing, looks at her and long pause) Loneliness is just a state of mind. You deserve a great mate and you will find one soon, I’m sure. You have a lot to offer. You are certainly a clever decorator, at least with trees. You’ve done such a good job. Better than I could have done! My mom would be so proud. You know, you remind me of her a little.

Roselie: I do? In what way?

Eddie: Oh, I don’t know. Your smile. Your complete honesty. Your zest for life. You really work at things with a vengeance. My mom never believed in doing anything half way. I admire that.

Roselie: Neither do I. If you’re going to do it, then, by golly, just do it – the best you can!

Eddie: Oh my God!

Roselie: What???

Eddie: My mom always used to say that. “Never settle for less. Be the best you can!”

Roselie: Well, I’m sure glad we have something in common. You know, I think you and I would do a great scene together. It’s fate, in the cards.

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Eddie: You’ve said that more than once. (stares at angel) You also have great taste in ornaments. So did mom. That perfect angel! I put a Hummel angel on top of the tree two years ago, it fell off and…ended up… decapitated. Catholic boy that I am, I felt so guilty. I thought I would be condemned to the fires of hell for all eternity. Killing an angel and on Christmas Eve no less! A double mortal sin!  And then there was my mom who would have killed me if she had seen what happened. So I told her I decided on the star instead and had put the angel away for safe keeping. She never found out that her precious angel had fallen. That it was ruined for life.

Roselie: Catholics are worse than Jews, aren’t they? Ughhh!

Eddie: Double ughhh!

Roselie: That’s actually a humorous story, though. An ornament lost its head. Don’t take life so seriously! Ornaments break, no more, no less. It happens. But all that intellectual, religious symbolism – ahh! Crap! Too much for me to handle!

Eddie: You’re right! You have a realistic attitude; mom did too in spite of her religious beliefs. I like that. I wish I could just accept it, laugh and move on.

Roselie: It works for me. I stay positive, like going after the things I want. I don’t give up. Would you consider working with me soon in Hickey’s class?

Eddie: But I’m not in that class this term.

Roselie: He wouldn’t mind. You could come back, at least for one scene. He likes you.

Eddie: How do you know that?

Roselie: You’re a director’s dream, remember? (They both stare at each other for a moment.)

Eddie: Let’s have some Christmas music.

Roselie: Nothing boring like “Jingle Bell Rock”.  I mean, puleeze!

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Eddie: What’s wrong with that song? It’s a great 50s tune. You don’t like that beat?

Roselie: It’s OK, but you hear it about a million times on the radio. Let me see what you’ve got. (thumbs through albums) Ah! Perf, too perf, perf, perf!!! (she puts on…)

Eddie: I have a feeling I may be sorry for letting you select…(hears song) On the first day of Christmas… OK, that’s not run-of-the-mill.

Roselie: Let’s duet.

On the first day of Christmas,

My true love gave to me (she points to Eddie)

Eddie: A partridge in a pear tree.

Roselie: On the second day of Christmas,

My true love gave to me (points to him)

Eddie:Two calling birds

Roselie: And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas,

My true love gave to me (points)

Eddie:Three French hens,

Two calling birds

Together: And a partridge in a pear tree.

Eddie: (laughing so hard, he falls over on floor and gets into a fit of laughing) That was fun!

Roselie:  (They laugh and laugh.) I told you we would make a great team! My mom taught me that song. It’s a Vegas favorite.

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Eddie: So did mine. Sounds like your mom means more to you than you care to admit.

Roselie: She’s OK. I just can’t stand to be around her for a very long time. She gets on my nerves, always criticizing me. I should have been this, I should have been that. Why didn’t I stay a secretary? Why did I have to move to New York?

Eddie: I Left My Heart in San Francisco. (sings a few bars)

Roselie: San Fran. Where even the Bay Bridge is bent. I mean gay, really gay. But not me! Straight as an arrow.

Eddie: You say that like gay people give you the creeps.

Roselie: Hey, I’m an actress. I like everybody. Some of my best friends are gay. It’s just that every once and a while you are attracted to someone and want to…well, it seems that the best looking ones are …gay.

Eddie: Are looks so important?

Roselie:  Oh, puleeze, doll! You know they are, for gays and for straights. Who wants to go to bed with a troll?

Eddie: I’ve had my share!

Roselie: So have I, and the memory is not so sweet. This is Christmas Eve. I have a great idea! Oh, shoot! We can’t!

Eddie: We can’t what?

Roselie: I was going to say, let’s have a picnic with turkey right here under the tree tonight, but you have company to prepare for!

Eddie: Oh, that company!!

Roselie: Yeah, that company!

Eddie: (getting 2 wine glasses, a carafe of wine and offering a glass to Roselie) What if I told you that I was exaggerating!?

Roselie: You mean you’re not cooking for 6?

Eddie: Nope.

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Roselie: For how many then?

Eddie: (running into kitchen) Oh, shit! I forgot the turkey… (checks oven) Ah, it’s fine… another 2 hours… OK.

Roselie: Well, that’s a relief! At least your company of …how many?...will not be munching on burnt turkey.

Eddie: Pour moi seulement!

Roselie: Ah, le francais! You (in funny French accent) are cooking for just one?

Eddie: Oui, oui.

Roselie: We, we. Or, you, you?

Eddie: I’m sorry. I don’t know why I lied, but I’m having Christmas Eve dinner alone.

Roselie: Maybe because you had no intention of inviting me!

Eddie: I said that earlier when I hardly knew you.

Roselie: And now you’ve changed your mind? Why? Because I’m good for a few laughs?

Eddie: You said that. I didn’t. Because… you are a funny girl…and…I like you.

Roselie: Oh. (She moves in on him.)

Eddie: Yeah. So, what do you say? Will you accept my invitation and stay for a turkey wing…… or maybe a… drumstick? (does a Groucho Marx impression with this )

Roselie: Yes. (She moves closer and reaches out and kisses Eddie on the lips. He can hardly break away, and when he does, he’s out of breath.)

Eddie: (stunned, pulls away)  Oh, my God! That should not have happened! No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roselie: Did I get my wires crossed or did you just ask me to dinner?

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Eddie: Yes, but I’m not dessert!  Roselie, when you said we’d work well together, I thought you meant on stage, not in real life!

Roselie: Boy o boy, am I that repulsive?

Eddie: No. You are an attractive girl In fact, you’re very attractive.

Roselie: So????????????????

Eddie: Sooo….a small city boy in love with the memory of his mother descends on the Big Apple. It’s the 70s; it’s breakout time.  I’m …gay. GAY! (pause) (she stares at him)  I thought you had guessed that.

Roselie: You’re gay and you don’t listen to Better Midler?

Eddie: That’s not funny! I led a very sheltered catholic life for 30 years in a small town, give me a break!

Roselie: So, you’re gay? So what?

Eddie: What do you mean, so what?

Roselie: Well, my last boyfriend told me he was gay, and he turned out to be one hell of a lay!

Eddie: Wait a minute here. This is out of my league. Not my style. I think you’d better…(Before he has a chance to finish his sentence, he notices the letter on the table that Roselie brought to him that morning …he picks it up, looks at it and then back at her.)) This is not even addressed to me. What is going on here?

Roselie: I really wanted to get to know you. I’ve seen you at the mailbox, in the laundry room and at HB, and thought you’d be a perfect scene partner.

Eddie: Oh, this is a scene we’ve been playing here? You lied to me! Did you knock me down on purpose too?

Roselie: Oh, no! That was an accident, I swear! But , wait just a minute! You lied to me too! Cooking a turkey for 6, so…”You’d better get your ass movin, position that angel and get the hell out of here”!

(Bell interrupts)

Eddie: I’m not expecting anyone!

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Roselie: (looks at watch) It’s probably for me.

Eddie: What???

Roselie: I told the director I’m working with, I’d be here and to stop by before 5 o’clock.

Eddie: Boy, you sure are some pushy broad!!! You planned all this! You staged this whole scenario!

Roselie: Don’t you worry your cute little butt! Cause, this pushy broad will just get her coat and get out of your way! (She brushes past him and takes her coat.) (looks up toward the heavens) Why, Dear God? Why oh why am I always the number one choice for FAG HAG of the year!? (brusquely throws open the door and…in stumbles a bedraggled man in a Santa Claus hat who appears tipsy and lost.)

(They grab him, one on each side before he falls on the floor)

Man: (sings) Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly…Fa La La La… Lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (looks from one to the other in a confused state) (sings) Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly (holds up a brown paper bag and drinks) …Ho, Ho, Ho!!!!!!  Feliz Navidad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (he falls)

(lights fade)

Lights come up on Scene Four; the same, seconds later.

Eddie: Bill! (looks at Roselie) It’s Bill Hickey!

Bill: In the flesh!  Ed McFee, you old son of a gun! Happy Christmas! (breaks away and drinks from brown paper bag)

Roselie: Bill, what happened to you?

Bill: (Looks for a chair to sit in) Aren’t there any chairs in here? Am I still in the lobby? (Eddie puts a hard-backed chair under him and helps seat him.)Thaaaaank you! Well…I stopped at the Cookie Bar and I suppose you can guess the rest. Hell, you (looks at Eddie) live a long way from the studio. It’s snowing, the sidewalks are slippery. I fell in the slush and some

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goddamn cab driver almost ran over me. Jesus, I thought I’d never get here!

Roselie: Did you forget the script?

Bill: Oh, shit! It’s in my bag.

Roselie: Where’s your bag?

Bill: Let me think. I dropped it when I fell on Christopher St, and that nice young man crossing the street next to me picked it up for me, carried it to the corner. Or did he carry me to the corner? I can’t remember. Wait a minute! Yes, I can. He put the bag over his shoulder, picked me up, carried me to the corner, put me down, and then handed me the bag. Man, he was a big strappin’ dude. What a stud! And a gentleman!

Roselie: Bill, where’s the bag?

Bill: …I dropped it in the hall. (Roselie rushes to the hall, grabs the bag, comes in. Eddie is trying to make Bill feel at home.)

Eddie: I’m sorry I don’t have any cushions.

Bill: (looking around) What do you have? (laughs) Just kidding! What a cute Hannukah bush!  Why doesn’t it have blue lights? Don’t the Jews decorate with blue or am I colorblind?

Eddie: It’s a Christmas tree. Let me get you a drink. Some water, I mean. Or, would you prefer something else?

Bill: (picks up the paper bag and toasts him) L’achaim!

Eddie: Sure! (goes to kitchen) (Roselie is going through bag)

Roselie: Bill, I hope you don’t mind. I’m looking for the script.

Bill: Why should I mind? A pretty young thing like you can go through my privates anytime she wants! (drinks)

Roselie: Voila!  L’amour de deux. Did you make copies?

Bill: There should be two copies of the scene in the manuscript!

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Roselie: Yes! Yes! Oh, Bill, this is too perf! I think you’ll agree Eddie is just right for the young guy. We’ll be perf together!

Bill: (drinks some more. Eddie returns.) I’m in rather a rush. I promised to make a couple of stops before the night is over, so let’s get this show on the road.

Eddie: What show?

Roselie: (handing Eddie his scene script) Bill has written this play. He asked me to play the young…  I should say, ingénue, in it. We want you to read the young man.

Eddie: Bill, you mean you didn’t stop by to socialize and have a Christmas drink with me!? After all, I always thought our relationship meant more to you than just teacher/student! I thought you kind of liked me!

Bill: (gets up, and suddenly becomes increasingly sober and alert, as he speaks. He is so intense that you would never imagine that minutes earlier he had been drinking!) I love you, but I never socialize with my students. I TEACH them. Yes, I do have drinks with them at the Cookie Bar, but that is part of the whole experience of getting to know them better. I need to know my kids inside out, and I want them to be comfortable with me.

Eddie: Bill, don’t get on the defensive. We love you too.

Bill: Shushhhhh (very forceful)… I came here in the joy of the season to spread cheer, to envelop you with a thought-provoking theatrical experience, to AUDITION you for this play. No, it’s not a play; it’s the culmination of all that has brought me to this stage of my life. It’s my life’s work, the very air I breathe. It’s a little gem. This little gem is going to make me …I mean us…rich and put HB Studio on the map, if it takes every ounce of strength and fortitude that I have to achieve it. Although it serves a much higher purpose, -  art for the sake of art -  it’ll play Broadway, tour,  and, goddamn it, be made into a movie. AHHhhhh, finally my best work preserved on film for all eternity …and, all those residuals and you won’t have to look at me! Every film I’ve done as an actor is crap. CRAP! I played second fiddle to Mostel and Wilder in that drunken scene in “The Producers”. Nobody even remembers I was in it! But as writer, producer and director, it will make a difference! Wait, I’m getting way ahead of myself. First, let’s enjoy the process at hand, my friends, the PLAY. A

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workshop for the theatre. It’s a sacred event. And you are the blessed, chosen ones to give it life! Actors, take your places and let’s set up for this… the first scene of the play. It’s a Saturday. Rod, a young man of 25 has come to the top of the Empire State Building to kill himself. That’s right. He’s going to jump off. He has nothing to live for. No one loves him. He’s distraught, he’s finished…and then, onto the roof steps Natalia, a scrumptious girl of 22, so beautiful, that when Rod catches a glimpse of her, it’s like he’s seeing a sunset or a twinkling star, a rainbow, aneclipse…he’s so taken by her beauty that he follows her around the platform like a puppy dog begging to just get a whiff of her. He’ll do, say anything to get her attention. He is saved. He has found what has eluded him so far. This is his raison d’etre.

Eddie: (whispers to Roselie) This is such bullshit! I’ve never seen Bill so polluted! (when Bill looks his way, he asks:) Who am I? I mean, a writer, an actor, an artist? If I’m going to kill myself, why?????

Bill: Roselie, explain to this boy the role that he is about to play. I have to prepare. (He starts to prepare, which includes several gulps from the little brown bag. He gets down on the floor in yoga fashion and starts to chant with his eyes closed. Eddie, confused, fumbles through the script.)

Eddie: What are we doing?

Roselie: L’Amour de deux.

Eddie: I know. I mean why are we doing this on Christmas Eve?

Roselie: Trust. It’s going to be wonderful for all of us. You are a young man on the verge of your first love.

Eddie: This won’t work, Roselie! I can’t do this!

Roselie: You will fall madly in love with the young rosebud that I play! Yes!

Eddie: (looks heavenward) Roselie, this is not a part that is right for me. It’s all wrong for both of us.

Roselie: You are an actor. You yourself told me that. Actors act. You must play this role. It will change you.

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Eddie: Change me for what? I think your intentions are all wrong, Roselie! (looking heavenward) Mommie, you never prepared me for this!

Bill: (opens his eyes, gets up from the floor and goes to Eddie and grabs him by the shoulder) You loved your mom, didn’t you?

Eddie: Yes, how did you know?

Bill: You told me about a thousand times in class last summer.

Eddie: That’s right, when I did that scene from Marty, and then Butterflies Are Free.

Bill: And don’t forget The Manchurian Candidate! That was much too much. I loved my mom too, but adulation for that kind of monster is ridiculous. A mother’s attachment has got to stop somewhere. It’s caca! It’s bullshit! (long pause while Bill summons up emotion) I really did love my mother. When she died I thought my right arm had been cut off. But I survived. And so will you. (suddenly in a loud and authoritative voice) Now get over it and get into the scene! Time is precious and we are wasting it, kiddies. So let’s get it on!  Now…

(Caroline opens her door and comes out – hair in curlers, wearing a bathrobe and listens at door. Suddenly she jumps up and down, smiles and rushes back to her apartment. There’s company to prepare for.)

Eddie: (as Rod, behind Natalia, trying to get her to notice him)

Hello, won’t you turn and look at me? (she turns) That’s better! May I say something? You are the most beautiful girl…no, woman… I have ever

seen. (she slaps him) No, no, no, that will never do! (he grabs her by the arm) Look at me, you vixen! (He kisses her passionately. Roselie is overcome with emotion; Eddie is out of breath.) Bill, I can’t do this!

Bill: That was so beautiful! The purest of emotions. Innocent, true, what do you mean you can’t do it? Bullshit, you just did! OK… now it’s time to go in the opposite direction. Never take for granted what you think a character is like. You have to explore all aspects of him! He’s smitten with this girl. Now that he’s gotten her to pay attention, they’ve kissed, she’s in his pocket. Play coy. Surprise her, she won’t turn away completely. You have to show another side to him! Look at me! I can play any part! (He acts out the following…)

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Shakespeare, either sex: (does a hunchbacked Richard III, then) “Romeo, oh Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo”… Williams : ”Stella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…” O’Neill – man or woman: “Give me a whiskey with ginger ale on the side, and don’t be stingy.”… Rodgers and Hammerstein (sings “Some Enchanted Evening”…)…Jerome Robbins (dances) “When you’re a jet,you’re a jet all the way to your last cigarette, to your last dying day”…even, Neil Simon (goes to quote and can’t come up with anything, so shrugs his shoulders)… It doesn’t matter. I can do it all! So will you. Just trust yourself, let go, let it happen!!!! Let’s take five, kids!

(Caroline Grossman rushes out of her apartment and slams on the door. She is dressed to the nines in her best Sunday attire. Bill answers it.)

Bill: Well, who have we here?

Caroline: I’m the landlady. What the hell is going on in here?

Bill: A Christmas party! Merry Christ-mas!  (He kisses her on the cheek.) How about a vodka and tonic? (“Yes!” she cries. “Merry, merry!” He pulls her in and fixes her a drink. They clink glasses and toast.)

Roselie: (steps forward) Still sorry you’ve gotten to know me today?

Eddie:  Are you kidding? You’ve given me quite a gift. This is the best Christmas ever.

Roselie: Who knows? Maybe this will turn out to be a big lucky break! For both of us!!

Eddie: Do you really think so? Well, it’s certainly a beginning!  (lifts glass) Merry Christmas!

Roselie: Merry Christmas…mon cher!

Eddie: You know, if I were so inclined, I’d definitely ask you out on a date.  Are you all right with just being friends?

Roselie: I’m working on it.

Eddie: Good.  (pause) You know, you’re a peach!

                                                   

Roselie: A peach!??

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Eddie: A peach! It was Delia’s phrase to describe someone she really cared for. It suits you perfectly!

Roselie: Are you sure you’re not a Southern boy?

Eddie: New England tried and true. But I sure do know a peach when I see one. (sexy southern accent)

Roselie: Okey, Dokey!  Whatever turns ya’ on, my friend!   

Eddie: You betcha!   (in best Groucho Marx style)

(They toast.)

(lights go dim on Bill, Mrs. Grossman and Rosalie, as Eddie steps forward to address the audience)

Eddie: I always questioned the overly friendly, seductive side of Bill. For a long time, I swore it meant something sexual, perverse, dirty, and Rosalie and I were his prey. I never really quite figured him out sexually! The older I get, the more I realize you should leave that area of one’s life alone! Straight, gay, bi! What difference  does it make? Anyway, this whole bizarre day was my first encounter with Roselie Berke. There were many more days to follow. We have stayed friends through the years and always look back on that first night - that kiss – the offstage one, that is, as something that should never have happened. At the time, it scared the crap out of me! Headlines: big city gal corrupts small town boy! Or maybe it should have read: Small city boy fears transformation into bisexual! What a laugh! Leaving all thoughts of sex completely out of the picture, just talking to her, laughing with her and being around her was far more interesting and exciting than…well, you know! I am the first to disagree with the line in When Harry Met Sally that a man and a woman cannot be friends after a romantic kiss…or was that only after they had had sex? Is that line meant for straight men only? Let’s skip the whole sex thing! It’s a bore! Caput, enough, finis! Roselie and I became the best of friends, talked for hours on the phone when she returned to San Francisco. We did the scene together in Bill’s class. It never got past the workshop. The play fizzled, but Bill went to Hollywood and was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar in a big box office film a few years later. He lost, but there was that recognition. He died shortly thereafter. Some said it was his liver, others, a

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broken heart. But, I miss him. What a great teacher and mentor! I will never forget him.

As for Roselie, she moved to Vegas - can you believe it? - lives near her mother, who stills plays Blackjack at age 90. She even has a kitten – one of Winifred’s ancestors, no doubt! And, still keeps in touch every Christmas, and surprises me with a late night phone call every now and again. As for

me, well, I moved to LA, became a journalist, wrote some short stories, teach language arts, act from time to time. and still live there. After all this time, big financial success still eludes me. But, hell… there’s always hope - maybe this play!!!! Every once in a while, when I’m in a reflective mood I cannot help but remember this crazy, unexpected, absolutely joyous – FAB – East Coast Christmas Eve.

(Eddie steps back and Bill steps center stage, wearing Santa hat and Caroline, also in hat, is holding his hand.)  Ho, Ho, Ho!!!!!! Remember, I’ll be on foot out there, it’s dark and snowy, so drive carefully! Be safe! God bless! Thanks for coming!

Bill, Caroline, Eddie and Roselie (centerstage): Merry, merry Christmas!   (lights fade)                             

Finis.